SEXUAL REPRESSION AND THE INTERNET: FEMALE ADDICTION TO CYBER SEXUALITY
74SEXUALITY UNDERCOVER
SEXUAL REPRESSION AND CYBER SEXUALITY
Sexual repression of women is probably as old as the sexual act. Probably more related to emotional safety for men than true moral concern, women are labeled, treated as outcasts, emotionally threatened, and abandoned when they follow their natural sexual appetites. Sexuality for women has few comfortable outlets outside the marriage bed, and many such unions are confined to uncomfortable or abusive circumstances that include prostitution, pornography, casual encounters, or uncommitted unstable relationships. In some cultures, as was true in Biblical Old Testament Israel, women are actually put to death for crimes of sexual expression.
So great is the emotional suppression of such desire and behavior, few women claim sexual repression as a personal problem, though all know of its presence, and are controlled by its existence. Women need love, commitment, and stability in their lives, and readily choose these over freedom of sexual expression; however, occasionally, either by fate or accident, they discover they can experience both, undercover.
WHAT CYBER SEXUALITY OFFERS WOMEN
Many women become obsessively drawn to Internet Pornography, sexting, cyber sexual encounters, and opportunities for sexual expression otherwise denied them. Women involved often have husbands at home, and children, none of whom are aware of their secret cyber-sexual lives. In order to avoid this sexual trap, I intentionally use my actual (real) name in all postings; however, many writers, and Internet surfers create anonymous screen names for Internet writing and surfing. While I plan to be held accountable for every behavior I participate in on line, and for every word I write, many otherwise cautious women do not do so.
Cyber sexuality offers anonymity to women who would otherwise be judged harshly, labeled or abandoned. Perhaps their marriages would end if spouses knew of their hidden desires. Many believe shame is avoided through anonymity, though this is only partially true. If and when their Internet sexual encounters are discovered, the shame is much greater than it would have been had they initially made their sexual feelings known to husbands, lovers, and male friends.
Cyber sexuality offers freedom of sexual expression without restriction, correction, or shame. Perhaps only as anonymous individuals, are women ever able to experience unbridled sexual desire with no inhibitions whatsoever, without fear of losing the very man they desire due to stereotypes, moral judgments, and society's imposed expectations of how women are supposed to think, and be. The freedom is intoxicating and addicting, becomes habitual, secret, and eventually a source of secret shame.
WHAT CYBER SEXUALITY DOES NOT OFFER THE WOMEN (OR THE MAN)
Cyber sexuality can never offer true intimacy, love, affection, or friendship, and leaves the woman alone and dependent on fantasy, unable to accept reality, or achieve true sexuality with a present partner. It deprives her of the human aspects of sexuality that are most important, and leaves in its wake only an empty shell in place of warmth, security, love, and a meaningful union between herself and a caring partner. It is a cold blooded addiction, with no care for her deeper, more humane needs. It is a greedy addiction, with intentions and the power to take the place of everything real.
Addiction is never a stagnant force; it is either moving forward or backward. It never stands still. Left uncontrolled, Cyber sexual addiction to the Internet will crowd out all things meaningful and worthy of one's time. It will destroy peace, marriages, meaningful relationships, and hope. The best cure is to never indulge.
SUGGESTIONS FOR AVOIDING CYBER SEXUAL INTERNET ADDICTION
- Form close friendships with men, and be honest about who you are. Do not pretend to be more puritanical than you actually desire to be. Some men may be turned off by your honesty; however, such men would not be willing to satisfy either your emotional or sexual needs, so these men are best lost.
- Save sexual intimacy for someone with whom you can talk. If you do not feel comfortable talking about sexual needs, insecurities and fears , chances are you do not know this guy well enough to indulge in sexual behavior. Ultimate trust is very important in any sexual relationship.
- Do not set yourself up to slip into a pattern of anonymous sex. Use your real name on line if you suspect you could in any way be tempted to try it. Make it very difficult, and very uncomfortable for you to get involved in Internet pornography or cyber sexual encounters. Talk to a close friend, and ask to be held accountable.
- The best way to avoid Internet sexual addiction is to never indulge in the first place. Do not allow curiosity or loneliness to lure you into deep sexual waters of entrapment. Leave it alone, walk away from the temptation, and never look back.
CLICK BELOW TO READ A RELATED HUB: THE END OF THE EVIL WOMAN:
http://hubpages.com/_2pvzhao591xs4/hub/The-End-of-the-Evil-Woman
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Thank you romper. These are also the hubs that take guts to write. Thanks again for responding. (: v
Valerie, this was a tremendous hub. These tips are valuable for men and women both. Voted it up.
Thank you sam. This one was hard to write, because I always fear it will be assumed I'm involved, which I am not and never have been. Real men are more of a temptation for me. LOL. Thanks for responding to my site. (: v
Interesting topic. I'm surprised to hear that 'many women are obsessively drawn to internet porn'. Unless you mean they post erotic photos of themselves for their kicks and ego-boosting. That wouldn't surprise me. But what do I know?
You are the expert on addictions, but to me it seems dangerous to form close friendships with straight men and especially to talk about sex. My observation is they usually take it as a come on. Am I wrong?
I just reread the part about forming close friendships with men, and now I think you meant men you want to be romantically involved with? If that's what you mean, I agree.
Hello Scribble. We aren't talking about visual pornography here as much as sexting, and cyber sex with men on the Internet. I don't want to go into exactly what that involves here, but you can probably figure it out. It is basically sex talk, and fantasy involving two people on line, sort of like an on-line version of telephone sex.
I did not mean to imply women should talk about their sexual needs to every guy they know, but we usually do get to a point in a relationship in which we discuss sex, if it lasts very long. Heterosexual men take everything as a come on, no matter what it is, and the discussion about sex usually happens the first time you have to tell them no. After that they don't generally forget about it, just because it didn't happen, in fact they get more and more persistent, or at least that is my experience. Men always know exactly where I stand, because I make it very clear, and I don't talk about my sexual needs, other than to tell them no, that I'm not interested, unless the relationship is secure and emotionally intimate enough to discuss the subject without him taking it as a come on. So, yes, you are right on both of your assertions, and thank you for providing me with the opportunity to clarify exactly what I meant.
Since I said as much as I did, I would also like to deny that being an addictions professinal makes me an expert on sexuality. My personal experience is that unless a guy is a rapist, he can handle talk about sex without losing total control, if it is done in the proper way. If he does assume discussing sex means I am "hott to trot" I can quickly convince him otherwise with my behavior, and with how I handle his assumption. As for visual pornography, in my experience, men are more visual, and women tend to be moved more by talk, the printed word, erotica writing, and sweet talk by guys to whom they are attracted. That's not to say we don't become attracted to physically attractive men, but we would usually require a lot of talk before being tempted to take it any further than the attraction level. Cyber sex is all about language, the written word, not visual pornography such as men fall victim to so often. We are wired a little differently, thus women aren't as likely (never say never) to become addicted to visual pornography, as they are to become addicted to sweet seductive talk on the Internet leading to cyber sexual activity. Hope I have made myself clearer on what type of cyber sex to which I referred, as they are very different. (: v
Just wanted to let you know I was here and read your hub. Sexting would be considered cheating unlike yhe porn here you are not discussing anything but youself. That's my take on it anyway. Rated it up and useful
Sexting is actually more risky than most cyber sex, since you would be sending your own picture, but many women, especially real young women, seem to be addicted to doing it. Most cyber sex involves words only, though pictures are often sent, they aren't necessarilly nude photos. I am not discussing myself since I've never been involved with cyber sex; however, I do know two women very well you were. Thanks Lady, and scribble for commenting on my site. (: v
Obviously, I can give no details about the women I knew, who were addicted to Internet sexual behavior, other than to say one was an adolecent client who also had a drug problem. She was addicted to sexting, and trouble started when an older man was convicted for having her pictures. She had sent the picture to his grandson, but the old man (in his 80s) had it in his phone. She was referred to me for counseling. I also had a married friend in New Orleans who became so obsessed with a cyber sex relationship, she thought she was in love with the guy. She eventually left her husband, and had a cyber affair with her boss. This is real, not just something I made up. If you can't relate to it at all, you are one of the lucky ones, and prudent ones. (:v
I understand how weird things sound and can get. My husband is an Addictions Counselor and a Crisis Team member for the local Mental Health Center and he also works in a Children's Home. Believe me I hear some stories.
Thanks Lady, just wanted to make sure you didn't think I was on here telling my own sexual history. I actually had someone very close to me who got involved in this thing during her marriage. I think her kids suspected it, and her husband as well. That was quite a while ago, but women who are having marital problems can be vulnerable, and I wanted to bring the problem out in the open. It was somewhat scary, because I know it links me up with the behavior. LOL. Thanks for coming back. Yes, addictions counselors deal with it all. (: v
It never occured to me that it might have been you.
EXCELLENT Hub, Valerie. Very wise and very true.
Thanks Lady and Garnetbird. Lady, obviously, I am sexually repressed into that kind of fear. LOL. But I won't resort to sex with my laptop, at least not at this stage in the game. LOL. It really isn't funny, but its easier to laugh sometimes then think about all the lives ruined by drugs, and sexual addiction, not to mention gambling and the others. Thanks ya'll for responding to this site. (: v
Hey,
Just wanted to let you know I came back & read all your follow up. Sounds like we are mostly on the same page. I saw a lifetime movie (I think) recently about a married woman who was murdered after a cyber affair. Her cyber lover turned out to be a woman pretending to be a man. This was an interesting true story.
Scary, scribble, and I've heard stories similar about men on the Internet. You don't know who you're dealing with, and its even worse if someone is sexting and sending pictures of herself to a stranger who is probably sharing it with others. My friend complained that she took this sexy picture for her husband and he wasn't even impressed with it; then later she asked me to email her cyber guy to tell him not to email since her husband was watching her email. I put one and one together, and figured out why hubby wasn't happy about the sexy picture. He probably suspected it was being sent to this cyber affair guy, and though she never admitted it, I feel quite sure it was too. Thanks for coming back and for commenting on my site. I'm glad you helped me realize some people may think I was talking about visual porn. No, this is more a woman's weakness; the other is more a male temptation. (: v
This is a well written article which I must say is an accurate representation of sexual repression in relationships, however, we need not lose sight of the fact that sometimes some men are also victims just like the many women who suffer quietly.
Very good point, paper. Men are definitely vulnerable to Internet addiction, though they tend to be addicted to the more visual types of porn. They are also victims of childhood sexual abuse, rape, and incest. This article (hub) was written about women; however the problem is also one of men. Thank you for sharing. (: v
I used to be intellectually depressed until I start reading your hubs and this one as usual is very thought provoking. Your mind is active and we are engaged here!
Thanks ep. My creativity is not repressed, anyway, so maybe I won't fall prey to cyber sexuality. LOL. (: v
Great great i have been working a lot so i have been missing all of your good stuff this is an awesome piece full of awesome ideas for those who know and can show restraint. Women too like sex and all things about it. i am one of those women. Thank you for writing about things that matter
Thanks hair, for dropping in, and welcome back. I have missed you. I worked yesterday, and for some reason was too tired to write after I got home, and just passed out almost immediately, so I know how that is. I was evern too tired for Internet cyber sex, LOL. Anyway, I agree that women do care about sexual needs, and that this is how they end up becoming involved with Internet sexual behavior. (:v
this is a good one for teen girls.teen girls need this to read.
Yes, especially about the sexting thing. Thanks for commenting on my site. (:v
I don't and probably will never use my real name and I think anyone who reads my hubs know I am not an undercover porn queen (maybe that's the wrong label, lol.) I write about rapists and murderers and government and get so many mad at me I would be a fool to use my real name. Personally I think porn and cyber sex is so degrading and certainly does women no favors if wanting to be men's equal and really in my eyes it makes fools of men, can mess up their sex life and ruin marriages, just the cyber fornication. I have watched documentaries on this and men really have a terrible time and usually cannot give it up when found out by their wives, one coupled counseled couples after it happened to them but he went back to it. It is like a disease but I guess it beats Aids and venereal diseases. But I know it will always go on, it has since biblical times(well not cyber lol)and will only grow worse. I saw one of my doctors years ago pick up a playboy when they had them out to sell and I would never go back to him,,,geeee. lol...I would think he saw plenty already, he needed pictures? Even here people use it(showing sexy women) to draw and it does and I think it is really a shame for a person to do that. I know there would be a small percent to agree with me truth be known but I like to have my say. Good, no, great hub. Polly
Hello Pollyannalana, Welcome to my site. This is not meaning to accuse anyone who does not use their real name of being involved in Internet Pornography or Internet Sexuality. It is simply saying that if you think you might be tempted to do so, using your own name will make it less likely.
You will not find disagreement in me, as related to porn making fools of men or women, or hi-jacking their need for love and intimacy into something that promises but never fulfills. It is a hollow, shallow, lonely road to travel. Thanks for your input. The misuse of our sexual gift is as old as life itself. (:v
i never thought there would be somewhere like this that i could see that i am not the only woman out here like this!! thanks so much for being here...
You're welcome, Sabrina, and thanks for commenting on my site. No. You're not the only one. Women struggle with sexual issues just as men do; ours are just a little bit different from their's. (:v
women need to take on an i don't care what you think i'm do what makes me happy as long as it doesn't hurt anyone attitude. i'm a 24yr old man i've had way more than my fair share of sexual partners. i don't cheat. i'm currently engaged to a loving beautiful dynamic challenging 25yr old woman who has also had more than her fair share of sexual partners. who i hope doesn't cheat :) It saddens me deeply to think women are so sexually repressed that they become addicted to internet sex stuff. they should do what they want and say screw society, if you like internet sex junk don't hide it flaunt it! as a young man living in the BIBLE BELT i can comfortably say that society is shifting and some day soon there will only be men and women like myself and my mate who could not begin to be with someone who "didn't know what they were doing". sadly enough no matter how nice a girl is if she is all thumbs or a "dead fish" in bed i find myself being less and less intimate and leaving. sex in a relationship is important when u click with someone u feel closer and your connection strengthens. there's a beauty in laying with someone you connect with on several platforms and sex is an important platform. so women get out there and live and have your computer thing for when you're bored. the most important thing to remember is that all the women that label you for sleeping around are dying relics of a senseless era or just jealous that they don't have the courage to sleep around. try this experiment IF YOU'RE SINGLE get dressed up go to a bar ALONE and pick up the hottest or nicest guy you talk to and take him to your place not his and hook up with him when finished kick him out... the world will not stop turning! o btw USE PROTECTION and moderation its a turn off when you say you don't use condoms.
Thanks anthony, appreciate your comments. I also live in the Bible Belt, and find that things change, but slowly here. appreciate you input, and agree that someone who is dead in bed definitely ruins the relationship. You can't enjoy sexual behavior with wet wood. Thanks again for your input. (:v
Great hub, well written. though Personally theres not a single bone in my body that gets a tingle about internet sex LOL. for some reason typing.. "oh baby oh.. oh yeah.. stroke that enter key.. oh yeah tab tab tab. you know you like it when I scroll " just doesnt do a thing for me.
I guess im old fashioned, I like to be able to hold a date, talk with out a phone or mic. but thats just me.
any addiction is hard to beat best of luck to those who need help.
Well, outdoorsguy, many women are very into sexting and internet sex as well as many men. Guess I'm old fashioned too, if you want to call it that. I like the look of a real man, not just a picture on a computer. I think more men get into internet sex than women though, from what i hear. Nice to hear from one who thinks its not that great. (:v
Excellent article, Valerie. All my 10-years-younger-then-me (girl)friends are into sexting. I was a bit shocked when I discovered that, but they consider that as normal behaviour in addition to their present relationships or marriages.
Personally, for me that would be very boring and wasting time online, but that´s me. I also consider that as potentially very dangerous game.
Thank you for interesting Hub.
The dangerous aspect of it is in the danger of exposure. Nothing on the Internet is really private. I know anyone can read my email or hubs, if they know how to access them. Sending nude pictures of oneself is risky, because they can end up in the hands of anyone out there. Crazies and stalkers exist, as well as Jeffery Dahmer types, and you really don't know who might become obsessed with your photograph. If we were only dealing with the person the sext is actually sent to, I'd say no big deal as far as the dangerous aspect of it. Still, emotional infidelity effects relationships with one's spouse or boyfriend, because it effects the thinking of the person involved. Thanks for commenting on my site. (:v
You made me realize that I am one of those woman...Great topic.
My partner is into one of these relationships with a woman on Facebook. He calls it nothing and says it is no danger to our relationship... Reading this I would say he right. I sort of almost pity her.
Thanks Thunder Vixen and Justsilvie, I appreciate your interest in my site. Justsilvie, I'd say it is no danger to your relationship if you don't consider it one. (:v
Thank you so much for this article. It has helped me a lot. Hopefully this new knowledge I've gained from this will enable me to actually form relationships and not be scared of sex. Thanks again!!
Thanks Caitin, hopefully this will help. Thanks for your vote of confidence. (:v
Your hub is amazingly insightful & honest. The ads on your hub? Ironic! Looking forward to reading more of your work, Valerie.
Dirt Farmer, Unfortunately, I don't get to pick the ads. I just get paid when people click them. Sometimes it does feel like a conflict of interest.
I know, Valerie! The irony just struck me as I was reading your article. Sometimes I'd really like to be able to choose the ads, as I'm sure you would, especially when a hub is first published. Take care, Jill
Jill, at least this one didn't get booted out by their computer system because it had the word "sex" in it.
romper20 Level 1 Commenter 24 months ago
Awesome Idea,and hub. See these are the hubs that are unique and interesting!
Great work,
Romper20