CONVERSATIONAL & LIFE CRUTCHES: DO YOU USE THEM?

Many believe Caroline Kennedy's political failure in her recently aborted race for senate was related to her use of conversational crutches when engaged in public speaking. Writer Suzette Haden Elgin, PH.D., holds that conversational crutches are sounds, words or phrases uttered during uncomfortable periods while speaking, used to allow the speaker more time to plan what he or she will say next. They do not add anything to the meaning of the message presented, and Elgin, among others, feel they detract from it. Examples of common conversational crutches are "you know" and "do you know what I mean?," and most of us have noticed that people tend to rely on the same ones over and over.

My Charleston, South Carolina sister is a fan of Elgin as well as the wife of a former Business School Dean and current Business & Marketing University Professor. She never fails to inform me when I use conversational crutches and has made me painfully aware of my most common ones. As a result of her sometimes annoying intervention, I now catch myself using them often without her input, and avoid doing so much of the time.

LIFE CRUTCHES

I hold that we also use life crutches during uncomfortable times for us socially. A life crutch is a situation that we feel provides us with power, or an edge over others, during times when we feel we need either or both. The example that comes most quickly to mind, is found in a close friend who married a wealthy man while in her early twenties. It is difficult to get through even a short conversation with this person without the subject of her husband's money coming up. She sees her image as being suspended within the framework of her husband's money, and assumes many judgments are made about her, both positive and negative, based on it. Whether or not this is actually the case, her husband's money would not qualify as a life crutch if she did not view so many things within its context, and appear to draw personal strength from the social security of it.

Other examples of life crutches are found in a woman who seeks social acceptance through her husband's position, the reverse in a male, or a retired or unemployed person who continues to talk consistently about the job or position he or she had in the past, often to de-stigmatize the present unemployed or retired status now held. My own life crutches of the past were related to my own education and previous management positions, which I felt a need to mention often as a reminder that whatever low end position I had in between was not to be used as measurement of the person I actually was meant to be. To my surprise, use of this life crutch tended to cause people to like me less, and as I believe today, acknowledge my insecurity, and respect me less. Nobody really cares what you did in the past, unless you are in the midst of an employment interview.

ARE LIFE CRUTCHES NEEDED FOR RESPECT OR SOCIAL APPROVAL?

While life crutches may be useful for one's self knowledge and self confidence, other people tend to judge you by the grace and poise with which you handle your current situation. While I think about my job search often, and write about my chosen field of study, most women who work out with me on my present part time job at Curves do not even know or care about my former life or prior employment situations. This may be the first time I have ever approached unemployment, or underemployment without use of a life crutch, and I have found that the experience is much more gratifying. People want to know that they matter, and that you take them seriously, whether they be your present employer or the customers with whom you interact. Our customers really could care less whether I was the president of general motors or worked for a janitorial service before landing where I am right now. They just want me to do my best at whatever I do for them today, and that earns their friendship and respect.

GIVING UP YOUR LIFE CRUTCH AND LIVING IN THE NOW, OR IN OTHER CENTEREDNESS

Whether your life crutch is about your past or your present, it is not a satisfactory tool for making friends or improving your life.  People do not want to be constantly reminded of how superior you are, nor of any advantages you might hold over them.  The only thing your life crutch has to offer is an image of smugness, or in the case of more intelligent and insightful others, an awareness that you are uncomfortable and insecure with your present station in life.  Sharing your past is positive when it is done in the spirit of bonding, or when it happens naturally within an appropriate context, but any form of impression management is unnecessary, and at times highly transparent and unflattering. 

Have I overcome this urge entirely?  No.  I am adding my life crutches to my list of conversational crutches to be eliminated, along with the understanding that life and self improvement  are creatures of process.  My mother said often that we can only think one thing at a time, and that if we focus on positive thoughts, we will not have enough space in our minds to focus on the negative.  I am working to fill my thoughts with ways to serve those with whom I work, and to make them aware of their own abilities and potential.  If I focus directly on those goals, I will not have enough space left in my mind to worry about my own image in the community or on the job.