CHASING THE HIGH: CHAPTER 49 OF UNDERCOVER

Living my life in a slow hell

Different guys every night in the hotel

I ain’t seen the sunshine in three damn days

Fueling up on crystal and whiskey

Wish I had a good man to miss me

Lord, I wonder if I’ll ever change my ways

I put your picture away

Sat down and cried today

I can’t think of you

When I’m lying next to him

I put your picture away

I wonder where you’ve been

I can’t think of you

When I’m lying next to him

Apologies to Kid Rock & Sheryl Crow

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If you want me to go with you

That’s alright with me

Cause I know I’m going nowhere

And anywhere’s a better place to be

Harry Chapin

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Spring fever gave way to summer heat. I spent days without sleep, living in a surreal state of drug induced psychosis and sexual obsession, spending hours performing the rituals involved in readying myself for the sexual experience. My emotional pain was torment, and only during brief encounters of sexual intensity did I find relief. Still, the relief was not that great, and left me hollow. I missed Hunter before, during, and after all sexual encounters. The encounters were many, and with men whom I scarcely knew. They did nothing to ease the pain of missing Hunter, and did not even come close to replacing him. I had my own glass pipe now, since discovering that the little rose flower vases sold in convenience stores, could be used as glass pipes for crack or crystal. If I accidentally left one in some trick’s apartment, home, or office, it was easily replaced.

Ironically, my refusal to be perceived as the stereotypical female victim, “used” or “exploited” by men, a mindset brought about by the physical assault of the undercover cops, caused me to engage only in sexual acts initiated by me. Avoiding such perceptions required that I take on the role of the seductress. I was, after all, seeking the delusion of power, not vulnerability. Sometimes I had sex with two or three guys in a single day, but none of them ever knew about the others. Even on crystal, I avoided group sex, because it wouldn’t have required a seductress. The intent was always to instigate sexual behavior with a man who was not originally desiring or planning on participating in it. The trick was in being relentless, and in not giving up or taking no for an answer. Hunter had taught me well.

My sexual escapades were only distractions, and never emotionally satisfying. I moved from one hotel to another, seven or eight different times, attempting to hide from Hunter. I figured it was a good thing I had put my furniture into storage, because otherwise my moves would have been a headache. Hunter always seemed to be able to discover where I was at, and to find me. I was unable to resist him when he was around, so I’d have to move to another hotel. It was always just as painful as it had been the time before. Nobody else ever measured up to him, and no one else had his power over me. My loss of control defeated my purpose, that of replacing Hunter with someone healthier. I could not control my need for meth, nor my sexual behavior long enough to have a meaningful relationship. In one case I became interested in a man, only to learn I had already slept with his younger brother. I was not someone any right thinking man would take seriously, but then Hunter was no longer a right thinking man, any more than I was a right thinking woman.

It occurred to me that what I was doing was not the way to find true meaning in my relationships, but I couldn’t bare the thought of being vulnerable to anyone other than Hunter. In spite of his problems, he had earned the right to my vulnerability, whereas nobody else had done so. I wanted to make sure the men involved knew that I did not mistake the sexual act for love, so I wrote a lyric that I always left with them after our sessions ended. I did not presume that they cared; the point was that I cared. I wanted them to know they were only a distraction for me, and that I reserved my true affection for special people.

When I was alone in the hotel I was tragically sad. If being with all of these men couldn’t produce any feelings in me, it was hopeless to believe that I could ever get over Hunter. I needed more than sexual hook up sessions. I needed some kind of caring from a man whom I could respect. It was difficult to respect any of these men since I lived in the delusion that I had all the power and control, and they had none. About all they could do was fail to fall in love with me, and I didn’t really want to find love through these sexual encounters, anyway. I wasn’t sure of exactly what I wanted to find, but I finally understood Joe Turner, and all the men who had come before him and Hunter. I had not actually known any of them at all. After a one night stand, there wasn’t much to work towards. Why had things had to go so wrong with Hunter and I? Was there any chance of me being able to find love again?

Suddenly I had an idea. There was one man whom I had known as long as I had known Hunter. We had not slept together, and it was obvious that he cared about me as a human being. I also respected him. Maybe I could fall in love again after all. He was the one man by whom Hunter appeared to feel threatened. I admit that my psychotic state and the crystal were doing my thinking for me, because I wholeheartedly believed that if I could only make love to Tom Sands, he would fall uncontrollably in love with me, and the two of us would live happily ever after.

I was on a desperate mission to love again without the fear of being murdered by my lover. I loaded up the glass pipe, and smoked what was left of the crystal. I was tweaking out of control with my fantasies of Tom. It was the first time I had seriously wanted anybody else since falling in love with Hunter. He would be erotic. He was charismatic. He was older than Hunter, and just as experienced. He had been with a lot of women. He was just plain lovable. He would know how to turn me on. And I knew where he lived.

I put on my sexiest clothing, and prepared myself for the visit. Hunter had said that Tom had always wanted me. This shouldn’t be that hard.

Tom was not expecting me. He was outside playing with his black lab at the dog’s kennel. He looked good. I don’t think he knew I was coming when I first approached from behind the bushes.

He looked surprised.

“Hey, Vandy,” he said. “Of all people I didn’t expect to see. What are you doing here?”

He definitely didn’t see me coming.

I knew I could not behave the way with Tom I usually did. After all, I knew he was no longer a drug user. I would have to be much more subtle than I was accustomed to being. But since he had been a stimulant drug user, I figured he knew what good sex was, and could make it happen for me.

“I was in the area, and thought I would stop by to say hello,” I said to Tom. I thought to myself that I was only in the area because I knew exactly why I was there.

Tom didn’t seem to suspect anything. He didn’t even seem to be aware I was tweaking.

“Well, come on in and have a glass of tea with me,” he said.

This was going to be easy. I followed him into the house, anticipating how good it was going to be. Tom looked good in his faded jeans. If I could somehow get him to come on to me, it would be more comfortable in this case, than coming on to him. But he hadn’t shown any signs of doing anything like that, either of the last two times we had talked. I would have to figure out how to make this happen myself.

I sat down in a rocker directly facing his couch. He brought me a glass of tea. I thanked him for the drink. Now, how was I going to make this happen? I would ask him a question that indicated mild interest, but was not obviously seductive.

“Tom,” I asked. “Whose your girlfriend these days?”

He grinned. I thought I saw a look of surprise in his eyes, but he concealed it well.

“Which one?” He responded.

“Don’t play games with me,” I said. “You’re always seeing somebody. Don’t try to con another con.”

“I really haven’t been around that much lately,” he said. “I’m avoiding a lot of places since I stopped using meth. I haven’t even been dating.”

This was going to be real easy. I decided to be less subtle, and hit it head on.

“Tom, have you ever thought about me when I’m not around?”

He blushed. This was going to be even easier than I had suspected.

“Well, yeah,” he said, looking almost bashful. “I guess I have.”

“Well,” I said, tilting my head to the side, “I’ve sure thought about you.” I almost creamed the words out of my mouth.

He was grinning, but not looking like he was going to make a move on me.

“What have you been thinking about me?” he asked.

This one was cool. No wonder he was so successful with women. Anyone else would have been out of his chair, and halfway over to where I was sitting by this time.

The TV was on, and Tom had taken to flicking the remote control. I didn’t think he was really watching TV. I was getting to him.

“Let me have that thing,” I said. “I like to be in control.”

I thought I saw him blush again, but he handed over the remote.

“Well, what if I like to be in control, too?” he asked.

This was going to be even easier than I had imagined. Maybe he was going to come on to me first. Only, he didn’t.

“Why don’t you tell me what you have thought about me when I wasn’t around,” I asked.

“I believe I just asked you that question,” he responded.

I moved around in my chair trying to look as seductive as I could. This worked with most men, but Tom just sat there looking at me. This was not going to be as easy as I had hoped. He wanted me, but he was determined to make me beg him for it. For a split second I thought of Hunter and felt guilty, but I told myself that Hunter wasn’t acting like any Sunday school teacher either when we were apart, and he was the reason I was having to do this. I decided to go in for the kill.

“Tom, have you ever thought about what it would be like to make love to me?’

His eyes exploded. I could sense his body’s reaction from where I was sitting. His face flushed. It was going to happen.

“Well, yes. I mean, yes, of course.” He said without moving. “But I wouldn’t ever try to do it.” Then he looked me right in the eyes and said, “Vandy, are you tweaking?”

“No.”

“You’re lying.”

“What difference does it make?”

“It makes a lot of difference. Do you think I don’t recognize someone who is doing meth when I see them?”

“What are you? A substance abuse counselor?”

“No. But I do have almost enough sense to come in out of the rain.”

“Come on, Tom. You’ve used meth before. What difference does it make?”

“Yeah, I’ve used it before. That’s how I know you’re using it right now. And it makes a hell of a lot of difference. We’ve been friends for a long time. I’m not going to take advantage of someone who is tweaking her brains out. Did you really think I’d go along with this?”

“I hoped you might. Just think what it would feel like to be naked with me.”

Tom stood up and backed away from where he was standing.

“Shut up, Vandy. Shut the hell up. Quit messing with me.”

“But I want to mess with you. That’s why I’m here.”

“Look, Vandy. I love the hell out of you and Hunter both. I’m not going to do this.”

“Yes, you are. You just don’t know it yet.”

Tom keeps backing up, and I keep moving in for the kill.

“Listen, how can I put this so that you will understand? It’s like this. No fuck, no screw, no body banging, no sex, ever.”

I wanted him more than before.

“Are you telling me that you don’t care about me?”

“I’m showing you that I do.”

“I at least want to know you are thinking the same thing I’m thinking, and wanting the same thing that I am wanting.”

“Not at all.” Tom was backing up towards the telephone. I wasn’t sure whom he was calling.

“I can make it good, Tom. Please just give me a chance. I know I can make you want me.”

“Hello,” he is saying. “Is Jack there?”

“Whose Jack? Are we going to do a three way? I would really prefer to have you to myself.”

“He’s my N/A sponsor, and no, we aren’t going to do a three way.”

He pulled the telephone cord into the bedroom and shut the door behind him so that I could not get inside. I held my ear up to the door. I could hear Tom talking to somebody from the next room.

“Hey, Jack, I need you to either get over here or tell me what to do. Yeah. I’ve got this woman over here doing meth. No, I didn’t know she was coming. She’s a good person, Jack. She’s just been through some really bad times. Yeah. Meth. She’s coming on to me. I’m about to lose it. Yeah. Yeah. She’s making me want to do some meth and get down with her. Yeah, please. I really do care what happens to her. Okay, make the call. You know my address.”

Tom never returned from the bedroom. I stripped down to my red lace panties waiting for him, but he never came back. Four days later I awoke in rehab.

CHASING THE HIGH IS CHAPTER 49 OF UNDERCOVER; CLICK LINK BELOW TO READ PREVIOUS CHAPTERS:

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